change is inevitable

The saying goes, "change is inevitable". Inevitable meaning unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped which means it'll happen whether you like it or not. We all know it's going to happen, because it just does. We often question and wonder why it does because we like the way things are. We grow comfortable to our surroundings and hope nothing bad will ever happen. But when it does, we get angry and forced to deal with it. But changes like these don't always happen this way. It just gradually comes without us ever realizing it. It comes with the decisions we make, paths we choose, things we do, and etc. And when we do realize it, we find ourselves looking back at the past and asking, 'what the hell happened.' Well, we do know what happened. We grew up. We left old things, old friends, old boyfriends, old girlfriends, old habits behind. We were just too busy to stop and look around us. But before all this, we hope that out of all the things among this hoopla that doesn't change is, ourselves.

This is where I obviously failed. I always hoped to never become the things I've always looked down on. I did things I never expected myself to do. I befriended people I never though I'd ever develop any kind of relationship with, and I've seen boys and girls who changed my outlook on love and relationships. I've been through the back stabbing, two faced bitches, shit talking, failed friendships and relationships, and all of that other shit. And through that all, I did the one thing that I promised myself I wouldn't do - lose myself amongst all the stupid hype. How in the world did I ever let myself become like this?

I've always enjoyed being young and having fun. Just look at all the shit I've done and wrote up there. I act on impulse, go out, do stupid shit and not give a fuck. I don't think I've ever really stopped to think and realize what I'm doing. And often the times I do, I'm hit with extremely bad karma and then I beat myself up for it. Then I'm back again to the same damn cycle - fuck up, karma, realization.

I am not the same person to my friends and to my family. I act dumb to catch a laugh or two. I'm stupid and I'm the biggest bitch to other people which gives me the "Regina George" status. And from there, I bottle everything up. I make myself busy so I can take my mind off things and make sure I always have something to do because I really don't think I serve any other purpose in life. I always keep everything hidden because the feeling upset over nothing or angry are pointless emotions. But you know, if you fill up something too much, it just might burst.

One night amidst of my wonderful, joyous, busy life, some things just randomly hits me. I don't know what the hell it was, but whatever it was it hit me hard. Now suddenly I have this deep, heavy ass burden on my heart. All these feelings I've tried putting away come back and just seep into my mind. It's so big I really start to feel it. I start feeling disgusting and sick, my stomach churning and the next thing I know, I start crying. Can you believe it? MOTHERFUCKING CRYING. I believe I lost my tears a long time ago, because crying is for the weak and I needed to toughen my skin up. But you know what? The pain and tears are a reminder that I'm still alive and shit, I have to admit.. it felt so painfully good. I really couldn't help but feel this way but I really wish it would stop because day after day, night after night, the heaviness grows and haunts me and the tears just keep on coming.

What do I do? I pray. Pray for a sign, pray for strength, pray for change.

I don't know where or when or how or why, but somewhere along these three or four years, I forgot who I was and who I am. I am unbelievably lost.