"Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It’s not about who you’ve kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else’s in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise."

love?

I have love; family. friends.
But sometimes you just want that type of love that you can get from one person, and that person only.
Yeah, I miss it.
I miss the security and warm feeling of knowing that he's always going to be there
I miss having someone to go to when I just wanna vent and talk about my day
I miss getting to hug someone for a long time without it having to be awkward
I miss saying "i miss you"
What can I do?
Nothing. I don't have time for it and I just don't see myself with anyone yet.
I'm not going to settle just cause I miss it.

But random guys do get old..
I don't get how anyone can find this appealing
You know, being with several people and having no commitment
Sure it could be fun, but for how long? one night? a few days?
That shit does not last and it's not worth anything.
I guess I'm going back to the old me again,
That hard to get girl, the girl who turns down every boy
The girl who doesn't settle for just anyone.
I'm just not looking for it anymore. I don't want to
Someone said God knows who the right person for you is,
and when you're ready he'll introduce you.

Like I said before, if you want me
You've got to win me over entirely.

youfuck.

You did it to yourself
Now your all by your self
Acting like you hate me
I left because you made me
You played me to the left
Now there's nobody left
To hear your complaining
i'm gone and all you're hearin' is your own
Echo!

Disgusted with trust
I trust no one no more
Just went with the flow
Found myself on the floor
When you went away
All my pain went astray
Like it's a new day

All night long
I thought to myself
Why would i stay with you
Realized that you were the one who had issues
So why would i miss you?

No one to argue with
Cause i'm not home
Don't care who your with
Don't call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I'm gone!
And your all alone.

Be easy about it. Don’t rush into things. Savor them more. Make more plans and be more deliberate and specific about the plans you are making, and in all you do, let your dominant intent be to find that which pleasures you as you imagine it. Let your desire for pleasure and your desire for feeling good be your only guiding light. As you seek those thoughts that feel good, you will always be in vibrational harmony with the Energy that is your Source. And under those conditions, only good can come to you… and only good can come from you.

Abraham-Hicks

Can't describe it..

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings—words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."

This week was constituted with madness and collective emotions.
Last fridays equation: prom, a group of friends, crazy dancing, hummer limo and alcohol = nasty goodness.
Tuesday I turned 18 and realized that I have the most caring, cool and goofy friends. More than I could ever want! It was also senior sign out woot.
Wednesday I discovered my new fond emotions by digging through people's old memories. Thursday was the last day walking the halls of AHS. Then headed out to the beach with a ton of people, people actually pulled through which shocked me! The day was filled with awesome-ness and a few tears. Hahaha. Ah, Friday was graduation. Something we've all been waiting for yet dreaded. Well, it finally came! and it finally HIT us. It was fun as hell, goofy and filled with yelling and crying! Our night had escalated from an exciting ceremony to a yummy dinner then a rugged random BP time at Toasty's.

Not considering the circumstances that's happened out of school, I would have to say that this was one of the best weeks of the year!

Thanks to my family and especially to all of my friends, I've been so happy the past few days. I can't even express the joy I've felt among my best friends. I'm so glad that you've all opened up to me and with each other. Now we can truly say that we've come a long, long way. I'll miss our crappy ass school, our lame and dorky teachers, the nasty school lunch and our classes. There are only 5 of us going away for college, I know that we'll be missed dearly, and I'll miss all of you just as much.

Shout out to DNA! I love these girls with all my liver. Oh and I can't everrr forget my boys Alex, Salman, Edin, and Ani. You guys are my brothers forreal, and if any girl ever messes with you, be sure to give me a ring and I'll kick their ass.


Rest In Peace, Uncle Rock.

anonymous

if you wanna hold my hand
come get with me

edit -- yes, it was you i was talking about.

WEIRD.

What in the world. How come it still feels like you're connected to me somehow? And I just KNOW what you're going through, what you're feeling, what you've done, and how you regret such things?

But why do I feel like I've lost connection with the people who matter? The ones who need me and want me. How come I feel like I'm always there but I'm somewhere else at the same time. The deeper I fall into you, the further I run from everyone else.

wicka wicka wawa. woosa!
He'--They're too hot. (they're all the same)

The time it takes to fall. 1

It's easy. You just love me with all your heart and soul till the end of time.

And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.

If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.

Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.

Small people only want one thing from you:

Someone else to be as small as they are.

Stay big.

I made loneliness a home. Your ghost moved in next door. You should come get your stuff.
We help people when big things happen to them, when you see them getting hit by a car, when a brother or a sister or a father or a mother dies, we're there for them because we can see that death kills more than the person it takes. And yet, the people around us who die a little all the time, moment by moment, who require the least help, the smallest sacrifice, are the ones we ignore completely.

All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water.

And that's the tragedy of living.

Admit.

I found an angel.
I found many angels.

I'm surrounded, and I'm blessed.
Thank you for the memories, the understanding and patience.

I get so frustrated sometimes! But I guess I just have to make the best of everything! HAHAHA. Man it works. Do I just crush a lot? Hahaha, I get excited too easily! I feel like a kid again, I love it. Non stop, hahahaha. Change is really here!


badi badi beeep!!
is that why i'm desirable?

Nothing.

Nothing is reliable.
Nothing is set in stone.
Nothing is secure.
Nothing is for sure.
Nothing will ever stay the same.

I want an angel that doesn't wear wings.

...but for that, I'll wait. Everything should flow perfectly and things will sort themselves out without having to do much, I guess. I know greater things will happen for me, and everyone else, in time. I just gotta stick in there and DO ME. I'm gonna finish my last high school year strong, enjoy my summer, go to college and start the next chapter in my life. It's really not that far away.

I guess everything is really up to me. The choices and decisions I make determines the outcomes, long and short term. Everyone says "only you know what makes you happy" well I guess if that's the norm, then only I really know what my true happiness is, I just have to trust myself more often and not doubt myself or think my self worth is not any good. I'm just as capable to do anything just as much as the person next to me. Underestimating myself is no longer something I'll do. That was the biggest mistake of all..

Away from the ugly, and soaring high into the new life I prepared myself for. Breaking through the barriers and merging into something different..beautiful.

So, i've been contemplating. I am or will be better then what i am right now, i know my own worth... and trying to act upon that worth. mistakes made, lessons learned. life is change.

Let go.

Beauty in the breakdown

When you're dreaming with a broken heart..
Waking up is the hardest part.

Ha. Blah..truth? Everybody comes with baggage.

Everyone's got history, or herstory. A story about what went down before you stepped your way into their life. One thing that will never change is that your past has passed, so let yourself turn the pages. And if it bothers anybody that you're letting your life cultivate something fresh for you then shit, let them.. but don't let it slow down the progress you're making, because sooner or later the changes might stop altogether.

Tell the whole truth, acknowledge what's done IS DONE (for now? but hopefully FOR GOOD.) nurture, progress, grow. Realize the hurt in a once-was might become a once-again, be ok knowing it was at least a once-at-all, let your pages turn, and let others turn theirs also. They got every right to.

Even though we all want to change..I'm not sure if you can erase bad feelings. When something.. let's say "bad," happens, I tend to associate a place with the feeling. I will always have the bed I lie on every night, the computer I stare at on occasion, the music that mixes my emotions, and countless bus rides back home. If I feel "bad," I'll return to them because these spots are meant for these feelings. But then, I have the dilemma of going back and growing up. The smallness in me feels weak and can't bear to face anything like that again, and I'm too afraid to try. I'm wonderin, if you give it enough time, if after you separate yourself from that place and that feeling, those spots can just be places and nothing more. That bed is just a bed to sleep, the computer is just there to look at anything, and the bus ride back home is nothing but a simple way home.. well, yeah. I think I might be at the stage where I know I can't erase what's happened, but maybe I can walk down and just replace the memory with something better.

Last night

was amazing.

"Something you'll never forget, what life's all about."
Quoted from someone I've always neglected. I'm sowwie.

Ouch, that kinda felt good.

Who would have thought that I would be here right now?
In this position..
Felt so good to let it out
But damn...
Those two words just about sums up how im feelin.
HA. I was a fool more than twice
I can't believe I missed'em.
She told me to just ignore'em or it'll stay on repeat,
So i listened cuz man..it just feels so wrong
I'm sorry yalll, i just couldnt take it today, haha makes me laugh
Hopefully my blushes just fade away
Dont make fun of me, cuz i said the truth, or at least tried to
You know i'm right, you know you're feelin it too
I'm just one of those who are trynna be strong
Cause ive been done so wrong
Not trying to rhyme, don't even call this a poem, cuz its just what it is. me.
Im just sitting here laughing at myself for what this already is.
I'm laughing, I'm smiling, I'm shakin my head cuz
ooo oo i cant believe it.
My life aint that bad? i got you, and you, and the rest of youuus
I dont need him anymore, or any HIMS thaht may come along
Sure you know i got this feeling for this one HIM right now
But it aint real, haha its all a game, just like that fake ass facade i talked about today.
The past got me fiending for another HIM, just so i could be like..
Ginuwine? singin.... my whole life hasss changeeeddddd...
Yeahhhhh. No. lol im so cold you dont even know
But i got my friends to keep me warm, heck, i even got my own sunshine
Ha...i don't know what im doing, im over it, its done.
yeah right, i say that about everything and everyone
but really, you wont have a piece of me
cuz baby i dont come in pieces, you gotta win me over
in order to get the prize you gotta see the picture, the whole thing
so do you feel me? i want you to, entirely.
i wanna give my all and that wont happen wit another fling.
So fuck you! I'm not gonna try anymore. fuck that habbit
I'mma just live life like i said I would
My personal philosophy bitch! haha it was NOTHING! seriously. nada.
Everyone just over reacts, even me.

get a grip.

Boy: You know how when a guy meets a girl, and all he thinks about is sex?
Me: Sure
Boy: Well, all he wants is to hold your hand.


Hospitals give me the creepers. I'm extremeeely glad you're home, I love you.

To you, that was the last time. Sigh.

you're it!

DON'T
GET
TOO
COM
FORT
ABLE!

Wow, I was fooled. You got me good. I have never been THISSSSSSS fooled before. Kudos to you,

Damn.

Untitled. tweaked.

I’ve got a heavy hand stuck in my pocket
From all the times I’ve tried to deny it
I think I have no more pride left to lose
When it’s gone, all to you

It’s been months and you go through your boxes
Find that star he left you, the dolls he bought you
and his baseball tee by yours
Go to him to return the belongings
But find your feelings returning instead

And when you try to leave for your sake, you stop
You’ve got your foot halfway through the door but you can feel your heart drop

A hundred cycles and a million of washes
And still, his black won’t fade
Just like a stain on the back of your jacket
His face just won’t go away
At least not today
...At least not today

DROPPPPPPPED

these stars dont shine so bright
wishful thinking, thats all it really was. i guess?
i used to wear your stars on my sleeve
and kept what was meaningful and sweet close to my chest
now theyre tucked away, in a box, collecting dust.
just like our hopes and dreams
like they were nothing at all
just like we are nothing at all.
im not going to put up a fight.
its just time for these stars to fall.


i keep living this lie, im sorry
but thats what you told me
im sorry i wasnt doing this for you, i was doing it for me
im a liar, im a bitch, im a dumbass, im useless, im powerless
im tired of living the life you guys made for me
well lets stop this now
you had me in your words
cuz all you did through all this time was cause me to be hopeless and pissed
im not trying to rhyme here, i really dont give two shits
seriously, its not like im trynna cut my wrists
i may be down, i may be weak now, but i still have my sanity
i wont do shit to myself for your pity
i dont need it
i dont need your bullshit
stop feeding me
cuz im a big girl now
and big girls dont cry--ha ha!

tired of feeling useless, tired of feeling used, tired of being an option
maybe im just your muse?
is that it? you come to me when you need shit?
need love when others shut you out
need pity when others stare you down
need sympathy when things go wrong
need compliments to build your ego up?
need ME to feel complete?
boy i know all you did was cheat
cuz all these girls keep lookin at your feet
thinking "damn he's so fine"
even though you were mine
but i told you they didnt care but whad you say?

ha. its true it's either trick or treat
well i got treated without the treat,
i was just tricked by you, trick.
so stop playing these games
you called yourself classy? well show some class
grow up, stop trynna get some ass
you call me the whore. why you wana go and say that for?
when thats the reason you get down on that floor.
you got girls, you got groupies thinkin youre so tight
ha ha. please, they dont got that right

i need trust, reasurrance, companionship, loyalty, devotion & honesty
but honestly, you didn't give me any,
your love aint even worth a penny, you didnt give a shit
just kept treatin me like i was just another bitch

youre my first, for everything
remember when you said "take that hit"
yeah you got me on that recreational shit
trynna change me, see your duplicate
but you said you loved me as i am?
cuz im the right one? the perfect one? THEE ONE?
no. just one of many.
if you found some other bitch rockin that LV, GUCCI, or FENDI
youd probably be on that actin nasssssssssty

Just a liar.
we once said love is for losers, but our lave is for lasers
and we on fiiiyah! Right?
i guess we are. cuz youre fireeed, maybe i'm fireddd?
but its okayyy cuz you got another bitch hireddd
haha im just josshinnn mann, just too damn tired...
ill end this soon just gimme a bit

ahh. ha. so let me say this
stop playing
cuz this games been going on for too long
spent, i mean wasted two fuckin years on your ass!

you know what else? i hated that song
yeah that fake ass shit you "wrote"
bitch please, you aint david choi
youre just another boy.

sorry this probably sounded ridiculous, i hope what i wrote wasnt too much
i cant write, i cant do this .. but like i said way upp there
i dont give two shits.

pause.

i woke up feeling this
that rush of heat, once again
all over my body.
it wasn't a good feeling. its a feeling i never want to feel again
but for the past 4 days, its all i could feel
i lay there tossing and turning, i couldn't help myself
im sorry for complaining but its just unusual.
i felt like i was on the floor getting kicked in the stomach
like i was back in the 2nd grade
oh man, 2nd grade.. how id love to go back to those days
age of innocence, youth and bliss
age where i knew nothing of love, hate, jealousy-- any of this.
but this all comes with time, as we grow
growing? i hate that. i don't want to grow up.

this is my first time, just the first.
and i thought it would never come to this
i didn't think it would happen to me
looking at everyone else, scoffing. feeling pity on them
id never have to go through that-- i said.
but i guess this is the first of the many thats soon to come throughout my years.
12 times. damn
but he said its just normal, i don't wanna believe him but i guess i should, i hate you.
i cant ignore this, it'll come and ill be waiting and anticipating. sigh
i call this a period, but i wish it was just a pause

Crazy

Wow. Some people just don't know when to stop instigating and making things worse, they have no fuckin life they try to live it through others. And to the people who WON'T let go, wow theyre even worse. I cant believe how stupid some people are forreal, scared.

Like a puzzle.

I've been going through a lot of stuff these past few weeks and they've definitely put a damper on myself. Feeling and experiencing things I've never felt or had to do before have all been rendering my mind to do what it does best: think. A lot...providing me angst instead of peace.. -_- I shall move on! woo..I'm following my "daily routine" again.. and that's always a good sign. Right? I'm eh right now, sure. But It really is whatever.

Oh, and I just bought another pair. Sigh. I swear this is addicting.
Like cocaine is to a Colombian, Nike is to Nikka.

I think I only buy a lot of things because its the only consistent thing in my life..that keeps me happy? I mean getting new shoes/clothes never make you unhappy, nothing can go wrong with spending a little cash, especially if you find a good deal. So this explains the pile of neglected shoes i have laying around, they all keep me happy the moment i get them. But later on, it doesn't change anything else in my life, but I guess temporary smiles and a few "YAY's" are good enough.

My slave.

It seems like everyone always writes in their blogs when theyre feeling angry, sad, frustrated or just freakin depressed. Yeah, me too..but that's going to change. It's 2009 and i realized, well I didn't but someone made me realize that we spend too much time hating, blaming and judging others when we could easily let them live their lives and just be happy with our own.

Yeah, I'm gonna make a decision this year, that my slave is passion and joy. I'm my own advocate. We always say we're striving to become happy and this and that hoo ha horse shit, but really, we're not. We spend more time hating why others are so GAHDAMN idiotic, but that just makes YOU crazy cause' you can't let go and let loose. So..ah.. i'm relieving myself by relieving others, because no one likes you on their case all the time, and ha, i know i'm a bitch to most of you guys cuz damn, you're all stupid--ha ha jk. but yeah, BEEEEEE FREE! cuz we're BORN FREEE as freee as the grass grows as free as the --- LALALA. :D

“Your prison is nothing in comparison with the inner prison of ordinary people: the prison of attachment, the prison of anger, the prison of depression, the prison of pride.”

oh yeah another thing, intuition? PFFT. I don't think i should listen to mine anymore, because it's been leading me towards all the wrong directions, its just made me paranoid, angry, jealous and unhappy. We always let our emotions rule us, but when it comes to happiness, sometimes you have to give reason a chance. I'll ignore my gut for now, and just let things be... besides..if it turns out that I was right .. and i get kicked in the ass.. well .. "everything happens for a reason" right? and its just gonna lead me somewhere else. Faith. It's a beautiful thing.

Adios Amigos.

Tired

I think I've lost that grasp of connection that I used to feel when it came to.. you know. I thought I could get it back, but right now it does not even seem plausible.

It scares me how much I keep thinking about this. Everything that I used to believe... it just doesn't seem like it applies to me anymore. If there are any emotions inside me about myself, I'd say I feel weak, doubtful, and tired. My all does not feel like it has any value whatsoever, so why even have it?

Maybe it's not that easy anymore. Something in me is....blah. And way to start a new year right..? Yeah...

This has dried up and stayed behind,
and if I stay I'll be alive then choke on words I'd always hide.

Forgive me first love, but I'm too tired.

It goes by so fast .. hello

School starts in two days.

And 2009. Really? Already?
Six more months. I can't believe this.

So soon, yet so incredibly far away. This year I'm: graduating high school. I'm going to college. I'm turning 18.

May this upcoming year be a hell of a lot better than '08.